A wedding and an obligation
25 May 2012 Leave a Comment
in General
First, the wedding. My brother is getting married. A day for which we all have been long waiting for. Now, as the day approaches fast, I can’t even begin to describe my emotions. There is joy ofcourse. More so because despite being an arranged marriage they ended up having a very long courtship period and have fortunately managed to forge a very good understanding of each other. There’s also a feeling of wonder. As to how my lil bro who till very recently used to walk behind my maa with her pallu in hand will now have a family of his own. And I would be lying if I didnt admit that there is also a little apprehension. Apprehension of whether my relationship with my brother and one of my best friends is going to change.
Now, the obligation. Actually that is what this post is about. A wedding in the family means an obligation to dress up. A task I derive no pleasure from. Actually, a task I detest.
My lack of interest in clothes and makeup has always been a bone of contention between me and my mother. Now, when I think back, I realize that for a long long time it was also about my pride in being different. I was the girl who was always reading books, who performed well in class and who had nil interest in clothes or cooking. And maa could not tolerate my looking washed out when all others were looking their finest. But then it did not matter much because I stayed away from home for the longest time and had very little chances of attending parties, except for family functions.
For my eldest sister’s wedding I ended up wearing the drabbiest of suits and that too after much drama. By the time of my second sister’s wedding, I had changed a little. I made a little effort and wore a saree. But made a little drama about it too. Then ofcourse came my wedding. I almost made my maa mad with worry coz I had not yet purchased my bridal saree 10 days before the wedding. It was only because the wedding was in my hometown that I got the blouse stiched in time 
So, now I’m being given daily reminder calls for the purchases pending at my end. And the task is daunting. I have to buy atleast 2 new sarees and some new dresses for myself as well as for Aanya. I want to make a little effort this time because I know it makes maa happy. Whether I care or not, she cares about how her children are looking
And that makes me worried. Because I’m awful at buying Sarees. For the wedding I attended most recently, I took much care in buying a new saree. But goofed up as usual and ended up looking like a washed out swollen balloon.
So, I have been postponing the shopping trip. But now there is no time anymore. I will reach my home only 4/5 days before the wedding and no tailor there can save me by delivering a blouse in so short a time. So I have to do all the buying and stitching here. And that means I have to haul myself off to the shops this weekend, come whatever else 
03 May 2012 1 Comment
in General
” I am coming to Mumbai for a few days”.
Said the SMS and that was enough to start me dreaming. Of what all we’ll do, spend lots of time talking of everything under the sun, go out shopping together, have wonderful relaxed meals at nice places.
True, I’ll be in office on some of those days and I’ll also have Aanya to take care of at home. She’ll also be spending time with her SIL and might be going out for a couple of days. But does not matter. Nothing ever matters much when its us together. And I can apply for a leave when she’s back. That way we can spend some good time together with Aanya away at her daycare.
She’s here!! And watching me struggle with the chores. I feel guilty because we can’t simply talk as always. There is Aanya and her million demands. And even otherwise all we can do is look at Aanya and her antics. Well, this will only be the case till Sunday. After that the 3 days are ours. We’ll have so much fun together !!
Her trip is cancelled coz they could not get the reservations. Good , that way we’ll have the saturday too. But then she stopped herself saying something like even I’ll feel awkward staying with you for so long. Did she mean that? When did we start feeling awkward staying with each other??
” I was booking tickets for my return journey. I am cutting my trip short and will be leaving tomorrow.”
She’s leaving!! But why?? Did I say or do something that made her feel unwelcome? Was I so busy in my chores that she felt neglected? But we have hardly had any time together. And our time together has not even started yet.
But what’s wrong? Why could not she tell me? And she did not even bother telling me once before changing her plans. Do I matter that less to her now. She’s telling me something about us having a day together. But I can’t look at her now. I have to leave else I’ll cry and I can’t do that infront of R and her SIL.
Did she decide to leave because her trip got cancelled and she would feel uncomfortable in my home. Do we have so less in common now that we can’t spend a few days with each other. How can we not be able to talk? There was a time when we could not stop talking late into the night everyday even when we stayed together. How could that have changed so? I have to stop thinking about this. I can’t be crying in office.
And may be even I shouldn’t care so much that she changed her plans or that she didnt tell me. Might be there are things that she’s feeling that she can’t share with me anymore. May be she does not find being there with me fun anymore. Nor can she tell me what’s important for her. And the best thing for me will be to accept the change.
After all, we both have been realizing the change for quite sometime now. That our lives have gone through so many changes that there is hardly anything common anymore. May be the changes have altered our relationship in ways unmendable. May be we should stop having any expectations from each other.
But won’t that change the essence of ‘us’? Will I be able to continue any other kind of relationship except for the deepest, closest and most open with the person with whom I have shared so much?
2 posts in the same day..
18 Apr 2012 Leave a Comment
in General
is not like me at all. But the thing is they are not actually 2 posts in the same day. The first one was what I had written on 12th, the day after the big fight and actually thought that I had published it. It was only today when I came here again that I found out that the post had been sitting in the drafts section till now
Anyways, even if it did not get published that day, it served the purpose really well. I wrote it because I thought it will help me vent my frustration and insecurity. The problem worrying me was we were not communicating. I have always believed in expressing whatever’s in my heart to the people who I feel closest to. While R simply does not talk about his feelings. I have to literally probe him in order to get a few words from him. After a time I had stopped trying may be because we no longer had the luxury of time.
After writing the post, I thought why not tell him all this and see what his reaction is. So I sent him a mail. Because thats the way I was sure of being able to truly express what I felt without him misinterpreting my words. He saw the mail 2 days after I sent it. By then we had already started talking but I was wretched within thinking he did not even think my mail deserved a reply. When he saw the mail, on Saturday, I was also in the same room and he simply said what is this mail you have sent. Why can’t we simply fight like other couples
And then we had a long discussion. About what was the problem for each of us. About what we should do. And things finally got back to really normal between us. After a long long time.
Saturday and Sunday I was not in office. And Monday and Tuesday, I was in full day meetings. So its only today that I got to check my mails. And there in my mailbox was his reply to my long emotional mail. In bold letters, it simply said ‘I LOVE YOU’
Aanya’s social life takes its toll..
18 Apr 2012 1 Comment
I have always been worried about how I would cope with the social demands Aanya’s growing up would bring. And it has already started taking its toll, in form of a huge bitter fight between R and I.
Only yesterday I had excitedly posted about Aanya getting her first ever invitation to a birthday party. I was excited because I thought I would not have to go personally. The lady inviting her had specifically asked Aanya to be sent with her nanny. (don’t know why, may be it was a kids only party). But she didnt take her and I don’t blame her as she must have felt uncomfortable going into a party on her own. R and I felt that not taking Aanya would be impolite. And we also had to visit her daycare yesterday evening. So we went to the daycare, bought a gift while returning and then I took Aanya to the b’day party coz R felt that it would be awkward if he also came along. I don’t blame him too for not coming along. I can understand his uneasiness in coming to a party where the majotity would be kids and their mothers.
I am not at all social in nature. Anyone who reads this blog must know how extreme my discomfort in such situations is simply by the no. of times I have mentioned this here. Add to that I had already spent a full day at office plus had spent half an hour talking to the people at day care. Suffice to say, I was not in a very enthusiastic frame of mind. So, I reach the house , the hall is crowded with unknown people. The mother and kid whom I know only as acquaintances are nowhere to be seen. Sometime later I see the kid, wish her, handover the gift and ask where her momma is. She points inwards and escapes with her friends By now I’m feeling already uncomfortable as no one has even asked me to take a seat. Thankfully now the mother comes out with the cake and sees us standing there. They proceed with the cake cutting. She again escapes with the cake to the kitchen. Aanya and I stand around. I try to talk with one or two people whom I have seen before in the buiding. Aanya starts to get a little cranky as its her dinner time. Then I get fed up and come back after telling one of the other guests to inform the mother.
I come home and casually remark to R how it’s going to be very difficult for me to attend these parties with Aanya. He immediately starts asking questions on whether I even informed the mother before I left, whether I ate anything etc. He says how impolite it is to leave a party without eating anything. I find his tone accusatory and tell him that first of all even they should have ensured how the guests they have invited are being treated and secondly, if he was so interested he should have gone along. He responds saying that he is far better than me at these things and I should not teach him. I retort that I’m not trying to teach him but i’m just saying that if he was so concerned and so sure of his abilities he should have gone instead of teaching me later how to behave. He says do as you wish even if it affects Aanya adversely.
So it developed into this bitter fight. While realizing that some part of what he said was correct, I was especially hurt because he of all people should know how difficult it is for me in these situations. It’s not like I’m an introvert by choice. If I could have helped it, I would have done it far earlier and it would have made my life so easier, both in college and later at work. He knows how I continue to suffer because of my extremely introvert nature, even professionally. And instead of supporting me, he tried to rub it in the worst possible manner pointing out how a lack on my part would hurt our child.
I’m also worried because R and I have been fighting a lot these days. The smallest of things results in huge fights. I’m more worried because as long as it’s the daily mechanical life of office, eating, tv and sleeping , its ok. The fights crop up when we try to do something together, planning a holiday for instance. Or thinking and deciding about the future. In short anything important. We are simply not communiating. May be the days are getting a bit too challenging for both of us. He has a very difficult boss and punishing time schedules. I on the other hand continue to feel that I’m compromising on both fronts , not being there for Aanya as well as not able to commit myself wholly to work either. Being alone most of the times at home with R away on travel or at office is not helping either.
I only hope that this sudden lack of communication between us is really the result of lack of time and work related stress and not a sign of some deeper trouble.
PS: The only good part about yesterday evening was Aanya’s delight on seeing the ballons and the cake with the lit candles
Social life starts..
11 Apr 2012 Leave a Comment
for Aanya. She has been invited to her first ever birthday party today
And I can’t help but wonder. At how my tiny baby who was till very recently not even able to move on her own, whose smallest of activites seemed like huge achievements has so fast got a life of her own.
Though each new development in her life continues to delight me, I have a feeling she’s growing up too fast for my liking
That time of the year..
10 Apr 2012 1 Comment
in Personal
And I’m sure everyone reading this blog knows which time I’m talking about
The time of the dreaded annual performance appraisal, when your whole years work is summed up in a number on the screen. The appraisal is now completed in our case. We have finally come to terms with the number and its implications and also starting to think about the next year.
As to me, I got a decent rating. Not the best, but the next best. Practically, I should be okay with it going by the fact that I worked for 3 months less than everyone else coz of my ML, almost never stayed late (and that counts hugely in our orgn) and also am not much of a networking person.
Nevertheless, I was disappointed. Ever since I have joined this team, throughout the year I get good feedback on my work and abilities. Always these comments lead me to hope for the best. And eventually it does not happen. The first thought in my mind on hearing this years rating was whether I would ever be able to feel what it feels when you get a 1. And that feeling stays with me. The rating came with a lot of gyaan from my boss (show more commitment, what matters is not how you work but how you get work done etc etc).
The commitment comment struck something in me.. I have been struggling to manage both home and office for quite sometime now. We stay alone here and don’t have any elders at home. So I have to reach home by 7.30 before Aanya’s didi leaves. There have been instances when meetings and deadlines have made me stay till 9.30 / 10 in the office and I have stayed by ensuring R reaches home early on those days.. And still this question pops up..
The one good thing is now I can hope for a decent bonus , not as much as it could have been, but still it should be enough to address my cash starved position
And so its on to the new year. This atleast seems to be a year in which I will be at work for the whole 12 months. Giving my boss one less excuse for justifying his rating The staying till late issue I can’t do anything about..Even without Aanya in the picture, I was clear that I need to have sometime for myself unless anything urgent at work demands my presence and with Aanya, anything else is literally impossible..Lets see..
Am extra glad..
04 Apr 2012 Leave a Comment
I am extra glad that the workday is approaching its end today.
Why? Coz it’s a 4 day holiday for me starting tomorrow. Thursday and Friday are bank holidays here. Saturday is not a holiday but I have taken a day off. So I’ll be back to work only on Monday
R and I used to plan mini trips on such occassions earlier. Did not have the courage this time to plan a vacation in this heat with Aanya in tow. So I am looking forward to a very relaxed time at home instead. And if things get a little boring, which is never the case with me actually, I have lined up few long pending tasks.
Downloading all the videos and photos of Aanya from my cell. My cell is threatening to conk off any of these days and before that happens I have to get it to somewhere else..
Reading and completing one serious book which I have been trying since long..in the rush of office and home, I manage to read only lightreads and this time off will really let me do this..
I had got Aanya a book a couple of weeks back. Initially she did not show much interest but now is fascinated with it. Each time either of us even utters the word Brown bear ( the book’s name is brown bear, brown bear, what do you see ), she gets down from the bed, walks across to the table where the books are, picks up the specific book and brings it to us for reading the book to her.. I find that very cute and have been thinking of capturing that on video , my daughter’s discovery of the joy of reading However, she does not stop on a single reading, we have to repeat it over and over and that I don’t find very cute :/
Making all my gadgets usable..that means the camera, the kindle and the ipod..ipod I have been using but it needs new songs to be downloaded..kindle has been lying neglected with only 2 books downloaded so far and I need to learn how to download the videos shot on the camera
donating my old clothes..I have already sorted the clothes and packed them..need to go to the nearest outlet of Pantaloons and donate ( They have the dropboxes of this wonderful NGO, Goonj, which has been doing wonderful work in this area)
Searching out the elusive record of my first job, which lasted for all of 5 months. I need that for claiming a scholarship from my institute (don’t ask ) which was to be claimed after 3 years of work experience..Now I have completed almost 7 years and still haven’t claimed it.. But now owing to the instalments for our home, I am in dire need of surplus cash and hence this renewed interest in claiming the same..
Long enough list already..there might not be time for much relaxation after all..
PS : Going by the theme of the time, I fare extremely poor on the above actionables. The only one in which I made some progress was on reading the serious book one. And that also I could not complete. The rest of them were gleefully abandoned
